We cannot change the mistakes we have made in the past but we can apply the lessons we have learned from them to our future endeavours and decisions. Never dwell on what went wrong and how you could have done things different, live life with no regrets.one of The only times a man is ever truly defeated is when he fails to gain knowledge and possibly wisdom from a failure and gets entangled in the cycle of self doubt. Remember when you say. "I can" you can, just utter the words "I will" and you will, now all you have left is to DO. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION, WE ARE THE MASTERS OF OUR OWN DESTINIES.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Mom 2.14.03
This morning I'm thinking about my mom who passed 8 years ago, it doesn't seem that long ago but I remember it vividly. I got the call while I was in Jackson. I had a horrible feeling the night before and dreaded answering the phone that morning. My heart dropped, I had told her Friday that I would see her when I got back. She couldn't talk but she nodded her head to specify she understood. I kissed her and left. Now I was driving 100mph down 55 like there was something I could remotely do about it. I made it home and the room she was in was completely cleaned with no trace of her ever being there. No bed, no machines, nothing left. I was instantly gripped with sorrow, I never got to say goodbye. I just went to my room, closed the door and fell to the floor, blocking the door so no one could come in with their "I'm sorrys" or "it'll be ok's". I wanted to die. For many years we didn't get along because I was a free spirit and hated rules but when she got sick, we became so close and got to really know each other. Now she was gone. She made me strong, taught me to never give up, taught me about life and how to stand up for myself and be independent. I wore my dress blues Marine uniform to her funeral because she had never seen me in it. I said my last words to her "thank you for making me strong" and that was it. I made it, that was a change in me caused by the loss of a loved one. To everyone who mourns the loss of a love one, be strong, life is the hard part, dying is easy. Rejoice in life, our prolonged time on Earth is not promised.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
MY 9/11 EXPERIANCE & MY WAR WITH MYSELF
Here will be my first, last and only 9/11 story, I was skipping class at USM when it happened, mom called, I woke up and answered the phone and she just said "baby turn on the TV, and why are you not in class?" I turned on the TV and saw the same thing on every channel, it was surreal, I thought it was some bad scifi movie and thought "ok I'm dreaming, this isn't real, it can't be". Next, my Mom says the realest thing I ever heard her say "baby, you have to grow up fast and get tougher, you know your going to war soon, you might die, you signed up for this, you're a marine, I can't protect you this time, you're a man".
My Mother did not seem too shaken, me on the other hand, i was terrified because i specifically remember my recruiter saying "you will probably do your whole contract without having to go to war, We're in peace times" but here we are 4 years later and that statement was just made void. Then another call came in, it was my unit in Jackson, I kept ignoring the call, afraid of what the caller may say if I picked up, I was a coward as the phone rang, my days of skipping class, flirting with girls in the plaza, cramming for exams and drunk nights with the fellas was about to be over. When I finally answered it was Gunny Townsend, he says "Alright Givens, you know what this is, get your head ready devil dog" then he read down the scripted letter for a muster call, I hung up and got my bags ready, my phone wouldn't stop ringing, I never answered again, I was scared beyond fear, no video games or movies compared to what I was about to see, experience or possibly do, in real life.
I went outside and saw how the event effected everyone at school, instant hate was transferred to almost every foreign exchange student on campus, it was not their fault but because of their ethnic background or origin they were targeted for revenge and retaliation. Paranoia spread almost instantly in the area. Almost all Arabic or middle Eastern descent students started leaving and within the next few weeks the campus was like a Ghost town, the energy of the "college life" had become dead, almost nonexistent, no more parties, drinking, the "Golden years" was officially over. I became numb, i was consumed with thoughts of death and war, i stopped going to class, i didn't see the purpose. I lost my appetite for life and slipped into a deep depression and as a result I was put on academic probation which pushed me further into darkness I lost weight and eventually became so sick my friends had to intervene. My friends did not know why my attitude had changed so drastically, nor could I put into words what had driven me so far beyond my normal "joking class clown" self. At this same time, My girlfriend was pregnant and we were "semi engaged" and my mother was Diagnosed with cancer and was no longer able to work, there was no hope of graduating and the chances of another semester with assistance was out the window. I decided to formally withdraw from school and return home to help out with my Mother.
I returned home to McComb Mississippi where i vowed never to return to without making something of myself (looks like i failed in that department) Graduated with honers from High school, Athlete, semi popular and completed Three years of community college at Southwest, reduced to a saddening defeat with one phone call, was I that weak?? i took a job at Wal-Mart distribution in shipping where the hours where long and we refereed to it as "equal opportunity slavery". It did not matter if you were black, white, purple, green or blue, you worked 12 hours non stop in the back of trailer stacking boxes. We did anything to make the day go by faster, nothing worked. I began getting into a routine and starting to adjust from college life to small town living, it wasn't much but it was an existence. Helping my Dad with the bills when I could and driving my mother back and forth to treatment during the week did have a satisfying feeling though. It took my mind off of my initial fears, or so I thought....
My Mother did not seem too shaken, me on the other hand, i was terrified because i specifically remember my recruiter saying "you will probably do your whole contract without having to go to war, We're in peace times" but here we are 4 years later and that statement was just made void. Then another call came in, it was my unit in Jackson, I kept ignoring the call, afraid of what the caller may say if I picked up, I was a coward as the phone rang, my days of skipping class, flirting with girls in the plaza, cramming for exams and drunk nights with the fellas was about to be over. When I finally answered it was Gunny Townsend, he says "Alright Givens, you know what this is, get your head ready devil dog" then he read down the scripted letter for a muster call, I hung up and got my bags ready, my phone wouldn't stop ringing, I never answered again, I was scared beyond fear, no video games or movies compared to what I was about to see, experience or possibly do, in real life.
I went outside and saw how the event effected everyone at school, instant hate was transferred to almost every foreign exchange student on campus, it was not their fault but because of their ethnic background or origin they were targeted for revenge and retaliation. Paranoia spread almost instantly in the area. Almost all Arabic or middle Eastern descent students started leaving and within the next few weeks the campus was like a Ghost town, the energy of the "college life" had become dead, almost nonexistent, no more parties, drinking, the "Golden years" was officially over. I became numb, i was consumed with thoughts of death and war, i stopped going to class, i didn't see the purpose. I lost my appetite for life and slipped into a deep depression and as a result I was put on academic probation which pushed me further into darkness I lost weight and eventually became so sick my friends had to intervene. My friends did not know why my attitude had changed so drastically, nor could I put into words what had driven me so far beyond my normal "joking class clown" self. At this same time, My girlfriend was pregnant and we were "semi engaged" and my mother was Diagnosed with cancer and was no longer able to work, there was no hope of graduating and the chances of another semester with assistance was out the window. I decided to formally withdraw from school and return home to help out with my Mother.
I returned home to McComb Mississippi where i vowed never to return to without making something of myself (looks like i failed in that department) Graduated with honers from High school, Athlete, semi popular and completed Three years of community college at Southwest, reduced to a saddening defeat with one phone call, was I that weak?? i took a job at Wal-Mart distribution in shipping where the hours where long and we refereed to it as "equal opportunity slavery". It did not matter if you were black, white, purple, green or blue, you worked 12 hours non stop in the back of trailer stacking boxes. We did anything to make the day go by faster, nothing worked. I began getting into a routine and starting to adjust from college life to small town living, it wasn't much but it was an existence. Helping my Dad with the bills when I could and driving my mother back and forth to treatment during the week did have a satisfying feeling though. It took my mind off of my initial fears, or so I thought....
Eventually me not being able to really leave my Sick Mother unattended during the week and me working on the weekends had a huge toll on my relationship, I offered her the option of staying with me in Mccomb so we could handle the pregnancy together but that seemed pointless, She started to become bitter over my decision and then "lost the baby".......I'm not sure if it was a natural loss though. Then of course she left me, at that point I can't say that I cared much, I was so low that not much mattered anyways. Sure it hurt immensely but what's left after you hit the bottom?
Years pass and during that time my Mother also passed, I was still working at the Walmart plantation and finally get the call.........We were being deployed to Iraq. By this time I was comfortable in my existence, I had accepted my defeat and I was content with how the cards had fallen. We all went through the usual dog and pony show at the unit and our families were briefed on what would happen next. They got the watered down version. Us, The Marines were however given the unedited directors cut. We were shown a video of a man being decapitated. His head was severed from his body as blood spilled out everywhere, his body still moved in an almost automatic manner and still gasped for air while headless. This was now my reality. This was now my world. I was now an E4 in the Marines which holds it's own responsibilities. I was Squad leader of 3rd squad, about 14 or so guys I'd die for. After the video was over the Gunnery Sergeant says "THIS is your enemy, he will not hesitate to do this to you, it's time to man up and do what we do best and that's destroy ANYTHING in our path. I won't lie to you, some of you won't make it back, you will never be the same if you do return." Look to your left and your right, that man is your brother and you take care of him, you protect him, you die for him if need be". I went to the bathroom and splashed my face with water. My Dad met me in the hallway and he hugged me like he never did before. Then he gave me some Bible verses to remember. "No weapon formed against me shall prosper" I wrote it on the inside of my helmet. That night was one of the longest ever after the families left. We all stayed up that night, headed for North Carolina the next morning.
In North Carolina we did the usual in processing, stayed there for weeks and we all got closer and comfortable. I even met a woman that was really cool with the initials "NJP" it was funny because when you get in trouble in the Marines you have non judicial punishment. ......NJP lol. Her mother was a Marine so it was a running joke. she was the last woman I kissed before leaving for Iraq. I guess she knew what I was in for and saw that I needed that human connection. In the next hours of our lives we got ready to ship out.
We were finally "in country" after a few stops and we landed in Camp Victory, I was Hot, VERY hot and dry, the landing strip was beat up, everything was dusty, it seemed like something out of the Chronicles of Riddick movies. We formed a human chain, unloaded our bags and went to our tents........I remember being exhausted, sweaty and scared at the same time but a strange calm rested over me from that day forward. Sure I was scared but never thought that I would lose my life. I felt invincible like I had a bubble of protection around me. We were finally "Here".
Camp Victory was nice, it had paved roads, a great dining facility, recreation center complete with flat screen TVs and an indoor pool area........and just when we got used to it........we loaded up the 7 Ton Trucks and drove for hours across the desert to our ACTUAL base. An abandoned train station in the Al Ambar Provence or Iraq. Rusted out trains surrounded the place, emptied buildings became our command center, plywood tents lined with sandbags around the sides became our living quarters. ......I asked the question "what's up with the sandbags?" And the Staff Sergeant replied "it's for mortor fire"......."sooooo don't they get shot and fall down? Why isn't the roof covered then?".......I got a "you smart ass" look but no reply lol. From that day we faught, we drove, we patroled, we cried, we hurt, we became hardened, we thrived, we pushed, we destroyed, we rebuilt, we weathered sand storms, we attacked, we were shot at, we were blown up, we settled in, we ran for cover, we lost limbs, we lost brothers, we lost lives, we saw death, we saw evil, some of us.....killed we passed the torch to the new unit of Marines that took our place in history so that they can restart the journey we just experienced. Trial by fire. Ours had ended. Changed men forever, Fathers, Sons, Brothers and Husbands we will never be the same. So much happened during that time I can't bore you with every war story but I can tell you this. That scared college kid I was ceased to exist the day I stepped off that plane. I gained a strength within myself that was born through the fact that my brothers lives depend on my ability to lead and fight along side them and WE are each others lifeline. We don't do it for glory or medals, praise or title.......we fight because we LOVE our country and we fight because we LOVE our families. The Marines of Echo battery 214 Artillery Unit will always be my family. I am proud to have served with some of the most loyal, brave and heroic Men to ever walk the face of the Earth. Ok some were some idiots but I'd still die for those dirty bastards. On this day I remember all those who lost their lives to terrorism and I, along with my brothers and sisters will continue to fight for Freedom. I wrote this years ago and couldn't finish it because some of the memories were too painful to bare. I've seen so much that I still can't fully express it. I left out most of what occurred there because every serviceman has their own story. We can all relate but this one is mine. Never forget. Always remember. SEMPER FI.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
ethereal love
This is a piece written at random by two like minds
Sitting on the roof, I notice a shooting star and wish for a dream to come true.
A dream of what could be and with whom I would share this moment with in the future.
At times I wonder where my celestial half is because I am surely not from this planet.
Only they can understand the interactions my brain has with the real world and the reality it speaks.
Inside this ethereal mind, worlds are created by sheer thought and the world created misses her.. which means it is worthless because she is the sun. The sun that nourishes my thoughts and brings light to my soul.
The sun that caresses my body and warms my spirt; it ignites me with life.
It fills me with the motivation to breathe and live for each day knowing that my celestial half will forever make my uncertain world a meaningful playground of emotion.
And in it we can flourish like that of a dying flower touched by the light and nurtured by the very earth its seed once rested.
The very earth we walk upon each day searching for each other's existence and following only our inner compass to guide the way.
Although my compass has been misaligned but a few times, it knows deep within, where my true half resides.
And in that direction I will pool my life's energy because once I've arrived I know that my life will forever be changed by the beauty of a single "Hello". One simple five letter word will be the true beginning of my life because I will finally be whole, complete; at peace.
The closing of the circle will emit joy and those things I believed would be my doom will wash away leaving only you and me against the world.
Against all odds and whatever treachery may come, I would gladly die by your side knowing that our love is eternal, then our spirits may leave their earthly vessels by which they are bound, once again to soar the cosmos.
Touching every star along the way to brighten the world with a glimpse of who we once were apart but how powerful we have become together.
Flying faster than comets, shining brighter than the brightest star, intertwined becoming one in each others energy in love. When you lay your hand upon mine and lean in to bare your sole to me a mirror appears and we are one in the same; each breathe, each thought, each emotion.
Look behind eyes filled with passion and desire, for the eyes are said to be the windows to the soul and you are its keeper.
I gladly surrender to you.
I give you all of me and expect nothing in return for through your eyes I have seen it all and bear witnesss to true beauty unmatched by another.
For you are the one and only. Making love would be an understatement, this is more than just a physical act, it has started deep within the closely guarded gate of our minds.
It is intensified by getting lost in every kiss and my mind whispering 'yes' knowing that you can hear me and can feel what my body wants, what it needs. Warmth of your hands radiate through each gentle touch of your finger tips, wrapped in one anothers arms, meshing together as two beings with one shared heart.
My smile duplicated by yours while your lips steal my breathe away where ever they land.
Each target is not predetermined but governed by our every wish, I exist but only to please you my goddess.
And I in turn exist to make your every wish come true and to venture into your heart and make it my own desire to please you beyond your imagination. Then we exist for each other, surround me with all that you are, become my air so that I may live by your essence.
Become my thoughts so that I can never be lost in fear of lonelines again; guide me to your infinite love.
Teach me every nook, every curve, every soft detail of your entire body so that I may study you closely, slowly, completely in your glory.
Let me explore every one of your fantasies and heighten them with my love so when you reach your limit your heaven will be in my eyes and inside my body. Let me bathe in your love so that it flows in and through me, around me and covers me entirely and vice versa, so that when I enter you it will be the equivalent of another dimension of pleasure on a mental plateau.
Let me hear you speak your pleasure as your world collides with mine and your passion evident in your movements. Movements come natural when paired with one who is so close to your own heart; bring me to my limit then join me in an explosion of the mind, body and soul.
And bask in this moment's existence for it is the only thing your body has ever wanted, ever needed; a place where your dream of peace has come true. Inside you. Inside me and outside the world we came from.
Physical plains of existence cease to exist in our world we are all that appears. We are all that matters; me and you alone in a realm of utter joy; there is no falling because there is no end, no beginning just infinity.
Sitting on the roof, I notice a shooting star and wish for a dream to come true.
A dream of what could be and with whom I would share this moment with in the future.
At times I wonder where my celestial half is because I am surely not from this planet.
Only they can understand the interactions my brain has with the real world and the reality it speaks.
Inside this ethereal mind, worlds are created by sheer thought and the world created misses her.. which means it is worthless because she is the sun. The sun that nourishes my thoughts and brings light to my soul.
The sun that caresses my body and warms my spirt; it ignites me with life.
It fills me with the motivation to breathe and live for each day knowing that my celestial half will forever make my uncertain world a meaningful playground of emotion.
And in it we can flourish like that of a dying flower touched by the light and nurtured by the very earth its seed once rested.
The very earth we walk upon each day searching for each other's existence and following only our inner compass to guide the way.
Although my compass has been misaligned but a few times, it knows deep within, where my true half resides.
And in that direction I will pool my life's energy because once I've arrived I know that my life will forever be changed by the beauty of a single "Hello". One simple five letter word will be the true beginning of my life because I will finally be whole, complete; at peace.
The closing of the circle will emit joy and those things I believed would be my doom will wash away leaving only you and me against the world.
Against all odds and whatever treachery may come, I would gladly die by your side knowing that our love is eternal, then our spirits may leave their earthly vessels by which they are bound, once again to soar the cosmos.
Touching every star along the way to brighten the world with a glimpse of who we once were apart but how powerful we have become together.
Flying faster than comets, shining brighter than the brightest star, intertwined becoming one in each others energy in love. When you lay your hand upon mine and lean in to bare your sole to me a mirror appears and we are one in the same; each breathe, each thought, each emotion.
Look behind eyes filled with passion and desire, for the eyes are said to be the windows to the soul and you are its keeper.
I gladly surrender to you.
I give you all of me and expect nothing in return for through your eyes I have seen it all and bear witnesss to true beauty unmatched by another.
For you are the one and only. Making love would be an understatement, this is more than just a physical act, it has started deep within the closely guarded gate of our minds.
It is intensified by getting lost in every kiss and my mind whispering 'yes' knowing that you can hear me and can feel what my body wants, what it needs. Warmth of your hands radiate through each gentle touch of your finger tips, wrapped in one anothers arms, meshing together as two beings with one shared heart.
My smile duplicated by yours while your lips steal my breathe away where ever they land.
Each target is not predetermined but governed by our every wish, I exist but only to please you my goddess.
And I in turn exist to make your every wish come true and to venture into your heart and make it my own desire to please you beyond your imagination. Then we exist for each other, surround me with all that you are, become my air so that I may live by your essence.
Become my thoughts so that I can never be lost in fear of lonelines again; guide me to your infinite love.
Teach me every nook, every curve, every soft detail of your entire body so that I may study you closely, slowly, completely in your glory.
Let me explore every one of your fantasies and heighten them with my love so when you reach your limit your heaven will be in my eyes and inside my body. Let me bathe in your love so that it flows in and through me, around me and covers me entirely and vice versa, so that when I enter you it will be the equivalent of another dimension of pleasure on a mental plateau.
Let me hear you speak your pleasure as your world collides with mine and your passion evident in your movements. Movements come natural when paired with one who is so close to your own heart; bring me to my limit then join me in an explosion of the mind, body and soul.
And bask in this moment's existence for it is the only thing your body has ever wanted, ever needed; a place where your dream of peace has come true. Inside you. Inside me and outside the world we came from.
Physical plains of existence cease to exist in our world we are all that appears. We are all that matters; me and you alone in a realm of utter joy; there is no falling because there is no end, no beginning just infinity.
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